the apple personality test
and why now is actually the right time to be buying apples
Happy Sunday from the back patio of Doubles, my favorite spot to work in a city confusingly lacking in coffee shops convenient for work. I’ve got three actual professional writing deadlines looming, and so of course the inspiration that has struck is the one that won’t pay me.
You might think that mid-February is an odd time to be writing about apples. We couldn’t be further from Christian Girl Autumn. But in the depths of winter, when farmer’s markets and grocery stores have no seasonal fresh greens or peaches or tomatoes left to sell, they still have apples. If you’re craving something seasonal right now, you should look to apples.
This is not the definitive newsletter on apples. There will be many. I have thoughts about the best apples for eating, I’ve got something journalistic to write about the sad world of grocery-store apples sitting in storage for a year before you buy them, and one day I will write an ode to the act of making an apple pie. I am an apple girlie, no doubt about it.
Instead, this is the newsletter where I rank you all based on your apple-buying personality, inspired by the fact that I realized yesterday that I know far too much about the lives of everyone buying apples from me. You all are sharing a lot with someone you don’t know. The person who told me he hopes that apples might fix his marriage could definitely use a therapist. (Ed note: If you’re new here, I’ve been working the Brookland and Columbia Heights farmer’s markets for the 78 Acres orchard and farm for the last two years.)
But first, there are a few basic apple facts everyone needs to know.
Grocery store apples are gross. They’ve been bred to last years in cold storage and remain pristine from tree to truck to box to grocery store shelf, entirely at the sacrifice of flavor. If you’re buying Gala, Fuji, Granny Smith, or Red Delicious at the store, just stop.
Honeycrisps are the gateway apple. Grocery store apples are so notoriously bleh that nowadays you can find Honeycrisps at most grocery stores for at least part of the year, as a concession. Most people know that they are sweet and tart at the same time, have some complexity of flavor, and resist that mealy apple texture that haunts us all. They are an objectively great variety, but there’s nothing about them that will necessarily awe you.
There are DOZENS of heirloom and new, creative crossbreeds that taste nothing like what you can find in a store. Honeycrisps technically fit in this category, but they’re entry level. Other varieties taste like juicy fruit gum (the Ludacrisp) or aromatic, vegetal perfume (the Ambrosia) or Sour Patch Kids (the Rosalee). Some are so crunchy and refreshing they feel like the solid epitome of purified apple juice (the Evercrisp) or meltingly soft without a hint of grainy meal (the Gold Rush). We are living in an apple revolution. There are literally clubs that farmers fight to join so that they can access the latest and greatest crossbreeds for new flavors and textures.
While apples are obviously not growing on trees right now (a clarification I need to make way more than I should, please go spend some time in nature!), they store beautifully. Pick them at the right time and put them in a fridge with controlled oxygen, carbon dioxide, and humidity levels, and they remain essentially frozen in time.
Apple-buying habits are freakishly revealing. There’s something about the fact that basically everyone in this country eats them that makes them both a universally (mis)understood fruit and a useful tool for social analysis. Thankfully, I don’t think it’s yet gotten around to the folks who shop at the Brookland market that their apple purveyor also writes a newsletter and plans to use them as fodder for her commentary. (Disclaimer: Nobody at the farm knows I’m writing this or endorses my opinions.)
so here it is, the apple personality test
the “buys Gala apples at the grocery store”: Not a “food person.” Was one of those children in middle school who actually ate the cafeteria apples. Probably health-conscious. Likely a vegetarian. Could be happier.
the “honeycrisps are great!”: Definitely enjoys food. Probably likes apples and peanut butter. Secretly embraces Christian Girl Autumn. Afraid to branch out. The “normie” apple personality type.
the “i only eat organic”: Shocked to learn “local” doesn’t mean “pesticide-free”. Probably vegan. Please read this. And this. Oh and also this.
the “what apples are good for baking?”: Really trying very hard. Very sweet. Probably baking for other people but inexperienced; their friends/family sometimes pretend to like their baked goods. I love you people. Here is a foolproof apple crisp to help you out.
the “i’m here every week, but can you explain to me every variety again?”: Needy. Buys apples because they like to feel cool and in touch with the local community. Wants to be “friends with the farmer.” Dresses indie but isn’t actually.
the “buys $20 of market apples every week”: Supreme apple consumer. Has no respect for money. Probably constipated.
Restaurant notes this week
best local bar for dinner and vibes: The Thirsty Crow. Columbia Heights. Am almost reluctant to recommend this because I love that it isn’t so extremely overwhelmed with people that you can’t chill there on a Friday night. Get the Bao platter.
a dive bar: The Raven Grill. Mount Pleasant. This is almost a boring rec because of how classically D.C. this spot is, but I’ve been reminded this week that a low-key cash-only bar is just very fun sometimes.
To close us out this week, here’s me eating an apple. Something I’m always doing. Something I’m actually doing right now, too.
Wow! Nice. Νοw, I will never look at grocery store apples the same way.